It’s a fall Saturday morning. You wake up around 8 AM, not knowing how you got to bed. You walk into the kitchen to get a nice cold beer. Your decision to start drinking again is because of two reasons; (1) it’s the only way to combat the lurking hangover that’s getting ready to hit you, and (2) you can’t drink all day unless you start in the morning . You sit down on the couch, pack up a bowl pack and turn on ESPN College Gameday.
The opening theme song gets you rock hard and you quickly forget you are only wearing your boxer shorts. You think your Saturday morning is going to be spent with Kirk, Lee, and the rest of the Gameday cast as you crack open you beer.
Flashback to last night. You’re dumbass sent that 2 AM, “You up?” text to your ex. She replied shortly afterward with, “yea” But, being the drunk you are, you were too lazy and too cheap to pay for the Uber to go to her house so you decided to make a cheese sandwich, hit a leftover spliff, and go to bed. But as you lay down to bed, your ex shows up at your place. Your two best friends are passed out on the couch, so you have to deal with your crazed ex and you end up sleeping with her.
Fast forward to now. 30 minutes into College Gameday, your ex comes to the living room in YOUR crew-neck sweatshirt and begins cuddling up next to you. You are in disgrace, but the bowl pack you hit earlier and the beer are easing the pain.
11:30 rolls around and your friends finally wake up. You tell your ex that you are going to get food with them and then heading to a bar to watch your favorite college football team play at noon and that you’ll, “hit her up later.” She gets mad, starts crying and won’t leave your house. Now you’re stuck between choosing between your boys and your ex (that sober you doesn’t want anything to do with). You pick the boys, obviously. You kick your ex out of the house and get in your buddy’s Toyota Corolla to go to the bar.
“I’ll hit you up later” = yeah, I ain’t hitting you up later.
You begin to think if you did the right thing by choosing the boys over your ex. And you begin to think if your life is going in the right direction. “Should I be trying to settle down with her?” “Is she the right one?” “Maybe I should go back.” “Should I stop smoking weed?”
You have a text typed out to send to her that says, “hey do you wanna come watch the game with us then drink later?” But, as you pull into the bar and sit down at the table. You order a tall Miller Lite and onion rings, look up at the 5 TV screens playing college football, and completely forget what you were thinking about because the only thing racing through your head is if your team is going to win today and where they are going to be in the AP & Coaches Poll on Sunday night.
After the game, you see the text you wrote out but delete it and go back to your crib to smoke a blunt with the boys.
Only two Saturday’s left till College Football, Halleluia